


Schizophrenia and Other Things You Need to Talk About

by notsocoolio



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Background Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Chatlogs, One Shot, Other, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 03:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19760083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsocoolio/pseuds/notsocoolio
Summary: In which Dave has schizophrenia and talks about it. That’s it.





	Schizophrenia and Other Things You Need to Talk About

**Author's Note:**

> I tried my best (and researched!) but I do not have schizophrenia and therefore am not perfect at depicting it or talking about it. Sorry.

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: john you up

TG: you better be up dude

TG: its like new years up in here you need to be up at midnight all waiting for the ball in new york to drop

TG: but the ball is me and its actually in texas

TG: bro

TG: broooooo

TG: you really gonna leave this poor ball waiting here

TG: the glowing lights and yelling and shit cant start without you dude

TG: whatevs just bleeding out nothing important

turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB: wait what?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: oh now you care

TG: what about the ball drop john

TG: what about the ball

EB: dude I’m like half awake.

EB: you are so lucky I’m up :B

EB: homework sucks!

TG: jesus are you still doing that

TG: how much fucking homework have you got

EB: well I would’ve finished it if SOMEONE hadn’t pestered me nonstop since I got home!

TG: what can i say

TG: i missed my brusband while he was out making the bacon

TG: standing by the door holding a kid at my hip 

TG: apron all dirty from cooking the aforementioned bacon for his dinner

TG: and anyway i just shot you a hello and then you were like

TG: dave ive had a hard day at work could you just take the spawn away and leave me alone, i need my pipe and some quiet

TG: also did you make me dinner?

EB: yeah well after you rambled on for forever about that same metaphor (nerd), I went and pestered Jade for a while.

TG: ooh mr procrastinator i see

TG: cheating on his bro with the temptations of a lady friend

TG: while all the while procrastinating on his homework

TG: im so disappointed 

TG: i think we might have to end this broly matrihomie

TG: its you, not me bro

EB: (nerd nerd nerd)

EB: you wouldn’t get how awful homework is anyway!

EB: you’re homeschooled, so you look down on my procrastination habits.

EB: but i bet if you went to school you wouldn’t even do your homework.

EB: actually

EB: on second though you’d probably do all of it as soon as you got home, nerd.

TG: i will have you know i do homework everyday

TG: homeschooling is literally just a bunch of fucking homework

EB: but it still isn’t as bad as coming back from a day of schooling and hard work

EB: only to have MORE work to do!

TG: i mean maybe not

TG: but if you’ve got something to do the next day or whatever you have to do like twice the work before then

TG: or

TG: gasp

TG: do it on the weekend

EB: gasp!

EB: we get homework on the weekend too, doofus.

TG: aw what

TG: public school sucks

TG: i guess ill just have to consult rose on how much private school sucks to see who is superior i guess

EB: anyways

EB: you totally derailed what i was gonna ask about :B

EB: what do you mean you’re bleeding out?

TG: it was nothing man

TG: just wanted your attention

TG: it worked right

TG: im not just imagining this convo am i?

TG: pinch yourself three times and then fly over here and punch me and maybe ill believe you

EB: dude

EB: of course this conversation isn’t real.

EB: i’m sleeping.

EB: if you weren’t already insane i’d say you were going crazy but we’re way past that

TG: holy fuck

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

EB: dave?

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

TG: rose

TG: rose i know youre up

TG: you never sleep before two

TG: especially on a school night

TT: It’s so considerate of you to memorize my schedule.

TG: aw dont say it like that bro

TT: To what to do I owe this late night pestering?

TG:

TG: okay so you know about my condition right

TT: Putting aside your hesitancy around using the name of your disorder,

TT: Yes I do know about your schizophrenia, we talk about it quite often.

TG: yeah yeah whatevs

TG: do you think its possible for me to you know

TG: hallucinate a chatlog

TT: Possibly.

TT: That mostly depends on what forms your previous hallucinations have taken.

TT: Also depending on the situation it might be a delusion.

TG: theyre mostly auditory

TG: i dont get them so much on meds

TG: and i dont think its a delusion

TG: those are uh

TG: mostly bro related

TG: or about someone killing me

TT: Alright. But let’s not rule it out.

TT: Have you ever had a visual hallucination before?

TG: maybe

TG: once or twice

TT: Were they of chatlogs?

TT: I can imagine you saw this while looking at computer.

TT: Were you in a catatonic state?

TG: no

TG: yes

TG: no i dont think so

TG: i mean unless youre counting this one

TG: for the first question

TT: I’m not. 

TG: then no 

TT: You’re being a lot less long-winded than usual.

TT: Are you okay?

TG: not really

TG: i might have just freaked out at john because he was making a joke

TG: but it sounded so much fucking like what the voices tell me

TG: jesus fucking christ im insane

TT: Dave. We’ve discussed this. 

TT: I’m sure your therapist has mentioned it with you as well.

TG: yeah yeah im not insane i just have some messed up brain chemistry blah blah blah

TT: And?

TG: its nothing to be ashamed of

TG: i get it 

TG: i know that

TT: It’s just hard to believe when the voices are always telling you otherwise. 

TG: yeah

TT: Dave could you take a deep breath for me?

TG: way ahead of you

TG: god this is such a fucking shitstorm

TG: like why the fuck am i cursed with this shit

TG: like all of this shit is flying around in here 

TG: its everywhere its so fucking disgusting

TG: but im cursed to deal with it forever and ever

TG: like what the fuck

TT: You said the meds have been helping.

TT: Maybe a larger dose is in order, to help further?

TT: I cannot really help you here, I have not researched medications much.

TG: no its fine

TG: youre just trying to help

TG: anyway

TG: no we tried a bigger dosage before and it did not help at all

TG: im lowkey allergic to the shit

TG: and it made me super fucking depressed

TT: Ah. I think I actually remember this period.

TG: yeah

TG: it was just before i told you

TT: Hm. I’m sorry I didn’t notice your troubles. Or at least act on them, because I did at the very least notice them.

TT: I’ll admit, I am not an actual therapist, but I feel I should have spoken with you more than I did during that time. 

TG: nah you were going through your own shit rose

TG: what with your mom and all 

TG: but you really did help me

TG: just shooting the shit with me when i was feeling like it really fucking helped

TG: and trying to talk about it with me would’ve gotten you blocked 

TG: again

TT: You are most likely right about that. 

TT: I would have kept meddling anyway though.

TG: ahah

TG: you wouldve been like

TG: Hey Jade and John can you get Dave to talk to me?

TG: He blocked me for a reason I cannot disclose 

TG: Patient confidentiality you know how it is 

TT: Ah, yes, even though I just disclosed with you that I am not in fact a therapist.

TG: but its in your chumhandle 

TG: have you been lying to me this entire time rose 

TG: first john and now you

TG: what has my life come to 

TG: time for a midlife crisis

TT: What did John do?

TG: he’s been talking to jade instead of doing homework

TG: cheating on me

TG: all the good stuff

TT: More dating references involving John.

TT: I also assume you used some sort of "married with kids" metaphor.

TT: That’s very gay, Dave.

TT: I’m afraid it’s going in the book.

TG: aw what

TG: its more bi than anything

TT: Noted.

TT: Also going in the book.

TG: aw shit 

TG: anyway i think im fine now

TG: it wasnt an episode or hallucination or whatever

TG: i think i was just waiting for the shoe to drop and got all pussy about it when john said something about being crazy

TT: Is that what the voices usually call you?

TG: crazy?

TG: i mean yeah

TG: thats the usual biz

TG: sometimes its some really crazy shit

TT: Usually in the voices of people you know, yes?

TG: yeah

TG: sometimes its new voices

TG: and i dont know who it is

TG: but usually theyre telling me shit

TG: sometimes theyre just talking to each other

TG: like theyre taunting me or some shit

TG: but meds have really helped

TT: And the delusions?

TT: Have your medications helped with those too?

TG: yeah i mean

TG: mostly therapy has

TG: actually talking to bro instead of isolating myself has helped too

TG: honestly i wouldve talked to him sooner if i knew i would stop being scared shitless all the time

TG: but goddamn if i didnt notice i was doing it

TT: You didn’t? 

TT: But you blocked all of us.

TG: yeah uh

TG: honestly like

TG: i dont really know it just didnt occur to me

TG: that not talking to anyone meant i was isolating myself

TG: and in my case making the problem exponentially worse

TG: honestly i still dont talk to people that much

TT: Hm. I have to say I honestly do not understand that but, to gay my language a bit, you are completely valid.

TG: thank you

TG: sounds like it came straight out of tumblr instead of your usual ancient tome

TT: Thank you. I try.

TG: i think maybe i should talk to john

TG: apologize

TG: maybe explain myself

TT: Come out of the closet, if you will.

TG: rose you always know how to cheer me up

TG: anyways ttyl

TG: gotta chat it up with john

TT: You know, if you really don’t want to you don’t have to tell him. 

TG: i know

TG: thanks rose

TG: bye

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT] 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] 

TG: hey jade

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: hey dave!! 

TG: oh wow

TG: youre the first person to immediately pester me back and its like two in the morning

GG: well timezones are a bitch dave

TG: jesus you need to stop talking to karkat 

TG: hes infecting you with all of his dirty language

GG: haha yeah :)

GG: but i also think i got some of these newfound swearing powers from you

TG: aw what ive never swore in my fucking life dont you go lyin 

GG: :D

GG: is that a swear i see?

GG: oh i believe it is mr rad cool guy!!

GG: more like mr hypocrite liar dude

TG: you wound me jade

TG: you wound me deeply

TG: you just stabbed a sword of words deep into my chest and twisted it

TG: are you happy jade

TG: with all of my cool guy rad blood all over your hands 

GG: yup!! :)) 

TG: wow you sure are bloodthirsty tonight

TG: is it the dog

TG: i bet you two do late night hunting or some shit

GG: no we dont do late night hunting! 

GG: that would be stupid!!

TG: would it

TG: with night vision you guys could stalk your prey all hidden by darkness

TG: all cool and assassin like

GG: no!! 

GG: we dont have night vision!

GG: and also im a vegetarian now

TG: youve done that like five times dude

TG: and then you got an order of chicken or something and couldnt help yourself

GG: yeah so thats why we arent ordering chicken anymore!

GG: and grandpa made me chicken noodle soup and i couldnt help it

GG: chicken noodle soup is so good :(

TG: anyways

TG: i think thats a good place to stop the banter

TG: ive got something to tell you

TG: since im pussying out on telling john for the time being

TG: also hes probably asleep finally

GG: actually hes been pestering me for a while wondering about you :(

GG: apparently he said something that upset you? 

TG: uh well

TG: yeah

TG: also not really

TG: it isnt his fault

TG: i just kinda freaked out 

TG: because

GG: because?

TG: i kinda have

TG: schizophrenia

GG: what?

TG: well its like this disorder where i get like

TG: hallucinations and delusions and stuff

TG: i have like a really hard time figuring out whats reality and shit like that

GG: no i know what schizophrenia is 

GG: its just

GG: did you just get diagnosed?

GG: or did you just not tell us? :(

TG: no i got diagnosed a while ago i just didnt tell you guys

TG: im sorry

TG: i just couldnt i had a lot going on obviously

TG: remember that time when i just kinda blocked you guys for no reason

GG: yeah?

TG: well during that time i was isolating myself and having a really hard time taking care of myself

TG: like hygiene and eating and stuff

TG: but i was also having hallucinations really bad 

TG: and i kinda thought my bro was gonna kill me

TG: or take me to the roof and beat the shit out of me i dunno

TG: honestly i still think that sometimes but its better

TG: the delusions arent so bad its really the voices

GG: you thought your bro was gonna kill you?? :(

TG: yeah it was bad

TG: really bad

TG: he finally noticed when i kinda

TG: tried to attack him 

TG: i dunno i was in a really bad place can we stop talking about that 

GG: sure

TG: okay so i kinda freaked out on john because i thought i was having a hallucination of a chatlog or something

GG: how would you hallucinate a chatlog?

TG: I dont really know tbh

TG: but like its delusion city up in here honestly

TG: i can just be walking down the street and just up and think what if that person in front of me is gonna fucking kill me

TG: its less of a what if and more of a theyre definitely going to

GG: aw dave :(

TG: yeah

TG: thats kinda what the medications are for

TG: i also kinda just sit the fuck around for about an hour everyday

TG: its kinda like your narcolepsy i guess?

TG: no actually thats a bad comparison

TG: but i just kinda end up sitting the fuck around doing absolutely nothing 

TG: like im not even thinking or anything most of the time im just kinda sitting there and i dont notice until i snap the fuck out of it

TG: its happened more than once in therapy

TG: jade?

gardenGnostic [GG] is an idle chum!

TG: i guess you fell asleep

TG: im trying not to think about the other possibility but logically i know you love me so i wont say it either

TG: good night even though i think it might be like eight in the morning there or something

TG: i guess i have to talk to john now

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: okay so after much deliberation and also me just kinda staring into space thinking way too much about this conversation for ten minutes i think im ready

ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

EB: dave what?

TG: aw fuck im not ready for this holy shit

EB: wait don't go!

EB: i’ve been up for hours waiting for you to pester me back.

TG: sorry 

EB: so what was up with that?

EB: what were you talking about?

EB: did i say something?

TG: no no no

TG: its totally my fault im sorry

EB: whew 

EB: so what’s up?

EB: do people usually call you crazy or something?

EB: oh shit did i trigger you?

TG: no

TG: well maybe?

TG: that maybe counted as triggering me but im not sure

EB: i’m so sorry! 

EB: karkat’s brother has been grilling me about this for weeks!

TG: well for one dont listen to that fuckhead hes awful

TG: and for two you didnt know

TG: and it was something that was generally inoffensive at least in todays world

TG: so therefore it isnt your fault

EB: i’m still sorry. 

TG: alright i accept your apology

TG: but know that it is worthless because you have nothing to apologize for 

TG: so its like fake money

TG: and that is illegal john

TG: do you want to get into apology laundering

TG: because the department of forgiveness security will get you for that

EB: alright alright

EB: i take back my apology then

TG: what but i liked it

TG: so unfair

EB: dave!

EB: we were talking about something important at some point!

TG: oh yeah

TG: i think im just gonna rip the fucking band aid off

TG: i have schizophrenia

EB: oh shit

EB: really? like hallucinations and stuff?

TG: yes like hallucinations and stuff

TG: and also some depression related things like no self care and isolation 

TG: also for about a year i thought my bro was gonna kill me

TG: i also have a lot of other delusions about the people around me

TG: but once im not around that person or ive called up my therapist i can kind of snap out of it

TG: sometimes i sit around and stare at the wall doing nothing for over an hour

TG: and also i dont make any sense sometimes but you knew that

EB: holy shit dave

EB: are you getting like

EB: treated??

TG: yes john i take medications

TG: also i just fucking said im seeing a therapist

EB: sorry i’m just 

EB: worried about you.

EB: a lot

TG: yeah i know its okay

TG: emotional control is another problem i have

TG: showcased by my irrational anger at your questions which may or may not have made me punch my desk and definitely made me get all testy with you

EB: it’s okay

EB: i won’t say i understand because i obviously don’t but like 

EB: it’s okay

TG: thanks man

TG: not to cut this very important convo short but i have to sleep 

TG: i am so fucking tired

EB: i thought you’d never say that 

EB: it’s like one hour later here

TG: aw shit im so sorry man 

TG: you have school in the morning too

EB: nah it’s fine 

EB: coffee exists for a reason

TG: sure fucking does bro


End file.
